I know many of you are sorry to hear about my decision, but I came to this conclusion long before I decided not to run.
First off, I don’t know why anyone would want to be President of the United States. It’s an awful job. A terrible job. And for $400,000 a year? Are you nuts? If you are, this might just be the job for you.
Personally, I think anybody who wants to be president is long overdue for a psychological evaluation. Actually, a whole battery of tests should be mandatory before anybody is allowed to even run for the highest office in the land, a point that should be abundantly clear to anyone watching the 2016 race so far. Even though I think I could pass the tests, I’d jack it up so that I’d fail.
Being president means you need a thick skin. Even before you decide to run, millions of people already hate you. If you happen to win the presidency, hundreds of millions of people will hate you. Who wants to wake up to that every morning? Isn’t the alarm clock bad enough?
There’s no privacy when you’re president. Everything you do or don’t do is in the news everywhere for everyone to see every single day. It’s annoying. It’s aggravating. It’s relentless. It’s almost as bad as being on Facebook.
And you’re never alone. The Secret Service is always there with you.
Sidebar: Seems to me that since everybody knows about the Secret Service, shouldn’t they change their name? Maybe something like the Short Fuse Society. Or the “How Would You Like to Wake Up in Uzbekistan” Service. That’s a little long, but it gets the point across.
As I was saying…the Secret Service is always with you. They’re probably even right outside the Presidential Bathroom. This is obviously the real reason these guys are sworn to secrecy. What’s heard from inside the Presidential Loo stays inside the Presidential Loo. Good, because I wouldn’t want anybody to know about that, either, if I was president.
BTW, the one thing you don’t usually hear about any Commander-in-Chief is when he has a cold or diarrhea. The only reason for that silence is it would adversely affect the stock market. I don’t get the connection, but I’ll bet that’s it.
Sidebar #2: I hope there’s a contingency plan in place in case a dire emergency arises should the president get the runs. We all know how crummy that feels and I don’t want anyone making any kind of decision when they’ve got the trots, you know?
Secretary of Defense: Mr. President, Congolia is threatening to launch missiles into New York, Washington, Chicago and Los Angeles! What do you want to do?
The President: There’s only one thing we can do and that’s… oh, no. Not again. I’ll be right back.
Secretary of Defense: Mr. President, we need an answer right now!
The President (as he runs out of the room and down the hall): I don’t care. Push the damn red button…
Secretary of Defense: But our missiles aren’t aimed at Congolia!
The President: I’ve got a bigger problem right now and if you want to be the one to clean the carpet, shut the f**k up!
As president, you don’t get any sleep. You are the most powerful person on Earth. The weight of the world is truly on your shoulders. If there’s a problem somewhere, you’re the one who gets notified immediately any time day or night. I don’t know if there’s actually a red crisis phone anymore or not, but if I was president, after 11pm everything would go to voice mail.
You have to like confrontation. I don’t. That’s why so many politicians are lawyers. They love confrontation. They’re trained in confrontation. They’ve made their living from confrontation. I can’t even handle being at the DMV.
I don’t play golf so that automatically leaves me out. Thank God.
The one and only good thing about being President of the United States is when you become the Former President of the United States. That’s the best job ever. You can say what you want. People like you better because you’re out of office. You get to sleep in. A library is being built for you and you can take out any book you want without having a library card or paying an overdue fee. You get stuff for free. There are few formal responsibilities while someone else is raked over the coals and hated in the media every day. You can get tickets to any event you want without having to go online. You’re famous, a star. You hang out with cool, famous people. You write books and make millions of dollars from speaking engagements.
You know, on second thought, maybe I’ll run after all.
Til next Tuesday…