There are few things on this planet dumber than human beings. The most advanced creatures in the history of our world have created writing, speech, pyramids, whole civilizations, flying machines, robots that land on planets and asteroids, medicines to conquer the most heinous diseases, math, coffee, heart transplants, indoor plumbing, skyscrapers, chocolate. For all these great achievements of genius, there is a balance that Nature requires. We call that balance “idiots.” Some prefer “morons” or “dolts,” but since neither one is more insulting, the choice is yours as they all weigh the same.
I don’t dislike idiots. If everyone on Earth was a genius, what fun would that be? We need our idiots if for no other reason than to keep our comedians and comedy writers employed. While we all have our occasional lapses that qualify us for a day pass to IdiotLand, it’s the permanent residents there who are the real scary ones. They unwittingly blend their stupidity with their utter lack of common sense, then end up in the news much to their own surprise. Like the woman who spilled hot coffee in her lap, then sued McDonald’s for millions of dollars and won because she didn’t know the hot coffee was hot. Sometimes idiots have flashes of clarity that last just long enough for them to hire good lawyers before returning to oblivion. They’re still idiots. Just rich ones.
People who rob banks often live in IdiotLand. In this age of Big Brother hi-def surveillance cameras, they’ll cleverly hide their identities by wearing a baseball cap of their favorite team and a t-shirt of where they work while on parole. Some advice for those who aspire to a life of crime: invest in yourself. Buy a freakin’ ski mask and a plain t-shirt. And don’t buy them from Felons’ Clothing Mart. It is not owned by the guy who now hosts The Tonight Show.
Former IdiotLand residents have some truly tragic stories. Like drivers who try to beat trains through the crossings. This mindset was so rampant in Los Angeles that at one point the city had to put up billboards at each crossing stating, “In a tie with a train, you lose.” Apparently, these people somehow misinterpreted the lowered crossing barriers, loudly clanging bell and flashing red lights as a signal that all was clear. Thinning the herd is not always clean fun.
Our species’ supreme stupidity doesn’t stop there. Oh no. My personal favorites are product warning labels. These exist because some moron abused a product in a way that no one in their right (or left) mind would ever think of doing. For example, a container of motor oil warns against anyone drinking it. The mere fallacy of placing such a warning on the container is that 1) it assumes the person can read, 2) that such a person would even think of looking on the container to see if it’s something that shouldn’t be consumed and, 3) if they don’t realize something is terribly wrong the instant the motor oil hits their tongue and they keep on drinking, you may as well wait til after dinner to call the Poison Control Center. The outcome won’t change.
Which brings us to suppositories which now carry the alert “Do not take orally.” The only reasons that an idiot would eat a suppository is because a) he didn’t read the instructions, and b) the opening where it’s supposed to be inserted is already blocked by their own head, which no doubt explains why they couldn’t read the instructions.
To provide a service to my readers, here are some warning labels to look out for even though they are yet to be. Like the ones previously mentioned, these will only exist if the residents of IdiotLand don’t take heed (they won’t):
1) Do not use this fork to remove debris from eye.
2) Do not use soldering iron to clear nasal passages.
3) Warning: if all traffic is coming toward you, one of you is driving on the wrong side of the interstate.
4) Do not use hedge trimmer for slicing meat or cutting hair.
5) Clean rectal thermometer after each use.
6) Butter: do not wipe on bottom of shoes.
7) If bridge has washed away, find another route.
8) Do not point nail gun at face. If a nail goes through eye, do not use fork to remove nail (see Warning #1).
Bottom line: don’t want to be humiliated on the news or Youtube? Don’t be an idiot!
Til next Tuesday…