I’m an animal lover. Now, this has nothing to do with love making or growing up on an isolated farm with goats and sheep, which, for the record, I did not do. But it does have everything to do with our (mostly) fuzzy, furry friends, dogs and cats. These are the greatest beings on the face of the Earth. Far better than Man ever will be. Man was the last thing God created which makes me think that maybe He was having second thoughts about the idea. Anyone who watches the news these days might question His final decision. Personally, I think God should’ve stopped at dogs and cats. He could have then had an extra day off and a lot fewer prayers to answer. If you think your email inbox is full, just imagine what God’s prayer inbox looks like every morning.
Dogs are my favorite animals of all time. I love cats, too, and have had several really cool ones in my life. Five at once when I also had two 85-pound dogs and a 140-pound wife. We all slept on the same bed at the same time. They’re all gone now. Except for the 140-pound ex-.
The thing is, of all dogs, I love big dogs the most. They’re just goofier. I love goofy dogs. I wish domestic cats would come in that same size. How cool would that be? But there are a couple of downsides to that. Like cutting the nails or trying to give a pill to a cat that big. Even if you’re good at it, there will be blood and it won’t be the cat’s.
Another downside is that, unlike dogs, cats are predatory. I wouldn’t want any member of my family to come downstairs in the morning to find a dead, headless, half-eaten carcass on the front porch “Welcome” mat, then realize it’s me. The cat would, of course, be strutting around gloating–“Hey, look what I killed for you. If the head was still attached you’d see how much it looked like dad.”
Of the 400 or so dog breeds, there’s only one I feel sorry for. The French Poodle. If ever there was a dog that could have a justifiably high suicide rate, the French Poodle would be it. Any creature that is always fru-fru’d up with those stupid haircuts and pretty bows is going to have some serious self-esteem issues. It’s a wonder that we never see packs of wild French Poodles terrorizing the countryside. But then again, how much street cred can you have when you look like a balloon animal.
This is a shame because French Poodles are highly intelligent dogs. To Poodle owners who sculpt their dogs’ hair, I say this: it’s a dog, not a freakin’ hedge. If you want topiary, buy a tope, okay? Male French Poodles have it worse than female French Poodles, by far. Female French Poodles look happy when they’re coiffed. They have the pretty bows, they’ve spent hours at the hairdresser’s getting haircuts and pedicures. Males never look happy. Owners, of course, defend the fancy haircutting. “They love the way they look. My poodle stares at himself in the mirror for hours.” I’m sure he does. He’s thinking, “First, my testicles. Now this.”
If you’re going to give your male Poodle a fancy haircut, at least do something creative, something manly, something that won’t damage his ego. You know, like sculpt his hair to look like the Manhattan skyline, a ’57 Chevy or an aircraft carrier. Even making his tail in the shape of the Eiffel Tower would be a step in the right direction.
A final word to owners of male French Poodles. Leave them alone. If you don’t follow my advice, I hope you come back as a male French Poodle with your dog as your owner.