The good part about not having done a single thing on last year’s New Year’s Resolutions list is that this year I don’t have to agonize over making a new one. The emotional toll, though, is that I have an overwhelming sense of lack of accomplishment. So instead of listing all the things I know I’ll never do this coming year, here are some things I flat-out won’t do. I can’t guarantee I won’t do them, I just know I’ll have a better chance of success this way. For 2015:
I won’t trust any politician who uses the phrase, “The truth is…,” starts a sentence with “Look, …” or uses any word with a vowel in it.
I won’t buy any more “Happy Belated Birthday” cards. I’ll buy the cards on time, but won’t send them until it’s too late. It’s called “tradition.”
I won’t again try to start a 12-Step program for people who feel left out because they don’t have a 12-Step program.
I will stop trying to like sushi. I’ll just open a can of tuna, get some Ritz crackers and save myself fifty bucks.
I will no longer buy “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.” I’ll buy plain ol’ butter, otherwise known as “I Can’t Believe It’s Not ‘I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.'”
I refuse to pay my taxes for this year. I can say that openly and without worry because it’s still 2014 and I won’t be paying them til 2015.
I will not eat any cereal that contains Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups and is touted as “part of a good breakfast.” While it is part of a good breakfast, it’s the bad part of a good breakfast.
I will no longer hang out in the pet food aisle of the supermarket just to find out which hot women have cats (to which I’m allergic) and which have dogs (to which I’m not).
I will not attempt to find out why there’s an agency known as the Wool Bureau.
I will not watch any TV channel that runs the end credits in one tiny corner of the screen at 50 miles per hour after I spent two hours watching a crappy movie just to find out who played Waitress #3.
I will not eat raisins, but I shall continue to eat grapes. Mother Nature had it right. Leave her alone.
I will not join a self-help group. A self-help group is an oxymoron.
And lastly for now, this year I won’t be donating to Kars4Kids, although anybody who has ever raised a teenager knows that that’s a really fair swap.
To Be Continued….
Happy New Year!!