Viewing posts from October 2014

Food for Thought

TurkeySammichAs anyone who knows me will attest, I am not by any stretch of the imagination a foodie. They will also tell you I don’t cook, I heat. What I’m going to have for breakfast, lunch or dinner I won’t know until I’m hungry. If it doesn’t fit between two slices of bread, then it better be microwavable in three minutes or less. I plan my meals by deciding what I want to have for dessert, then I can work backwards to figure out how much I can eat of whatever it is I’m going to make. Obviously, I don’t live to eat, I eat to get it over with so I can have dessert.

So why then am I now writing about food if I’m not that into it? Because it dawned on me that many of the foods I like were discovered by countless unsung heroes, people who ate something for the very first time in history and lived to tell about it. Or not.

EggsnToastNow, I love breakfast. I can eat breakfast for any meal of the day. I like eggs. Talk about courage, imagine the guy (or woman) who first saw a chicken lay an egg and decided that whatever that new thing lying on the ground was, and despite its appearance from “that part” of the anatomy, it was still worth eating. That’s courage, though one is loath to think of what kinds of cringe-inducing failures came before.

SpottedDick-e1413768159362-150x131.jpgI also like bananas. I slice them up and put them on peanut butter sandwiches, waffles and sundaes or, in an effort to be more efficient, a peanut butter waffle sundae. Had it been up to me, I never would have attempted to eat a banana for two very good reasons. First, Connecticut is not the epicenter of banana-dom. We grow some good things, but bananas aren’t one of them. Second, I don’t know about you, but anything that has tarantulas associated with it just isn’t worth the effort. I know when I’m beat. Luckily, someone had more courage than I.

FastFoodCavemanHow many times people must have tried to eat an artichoke, I can’t even fathom. Attempting to eat a raw artichoke must have been about as enjoyable as biting down on barbed wire. It’s a wonder it ever made to the kitchen table. Instead, I can envision Early Man not eating artichokes, but tying them to sticks and using them as weapons, the forbearers of the Medieval mace. What a handy device! Kill your enemy with an artichoke-on-a-stick, then eat the evidence. The artichoke, not the enemy, though, who really knows what went on back then.

There are other foods that I like besides these three, of course, and have no idea how they first came to be, either. I’ll investigate those another day. Right now I have to decide what I should have before my coffee ice cream sundae with extra bananas. Man, I love breakfast!

 

 

 

Thank you!

wowMy blog has been up for less than a month and I just reached 5,000 hits (from humans) from a total of 16 countries! I’m thrilled and very thankful to everyone who has stopped by the Comedyfacelift.com Amusement Park! There will be more rides, more fun and less trash on the sidewalks! Thank you, everybody!!

 

 

Wasting Time Online: 4 Ways To Not Do That

 

LaserCatEverybody knows that the internet is as distracting to humans as a moving flashlight beam is to a cat. We say to ourselves, “I’ll get started right after I take a quick look at this.” Soon, we’re off and running in the wrong direction and have forgotten what we got online for in the first place. Okay, maybe that’s just me. 

While diversions are helpful for airing out our heads, these four popular distractions have become so predictable that they should have negated their own appeal eons ago. Stay away from them and you’ll decrease your wasted time and increase your productivity a billion-fold. Here are the distractions you should avoid as much as possible:

• The Kardashians. Has there ever been a family who’s done so much with absolutely no discernible talent? What do these people do? Makes you wonder what these reality stars put down on their tax returns under “Occupation.” You want to talk about reality? Great. Here’s reality: ladies, you’re never going to look like them (not a bad thing, IMHO), and guys, you’re never going to sleep with them (see previous parentheses). THAT’S reality. Stop wasting time and move on. 

CongressDivide• Watching streaming video of what Congress is doing. The operative word here is “doing,” the informal contraction of the words “do” and “nothing.” Instead of watching Congress “at work,” let’s wait til something happens. We’ll know when that is because we’ll see the simultaneous puff of white smoke, the Bat signal and poop on our cars from the pigs that have just flown over them. 

• Figuring out what color will now be deemed “the new black.” First off, why do we need a new black? Have things become so bad that colors are now losing their jobs? I think we should just declare that black is the new black AND the old black. It’s going to come back to that eventually, so let’s just cut to the chase and get on with it.   

BabyFly•  Cute pet animal/baby/combo videos. Yes, they’re all cute and aww-inspiring. We were that way once, too. While pets stay adorable, we turn into disgruntled, stressed-out human beings because we can’t afford to sleep 18 hours a day. We should finish our online chores and then go play with our pets. They’re more entertaining, intelligent and soul-soothing than anything we’ll see on TV or view online, including this blog. Pets rule.

Congratulations! You are now free and clear to get on with the important things that you need to get done online. I’m going to get started on my list, too …right after I take a quick look at Sofia Vergara in her latest bikini. 

 

 

The Two Businesses You’re In

TopHatAndCane

Puttin’ On The Ritz!

As if owning one business isn’t enough, guess what? You’re now the proud parent of a second! Congratulations, and say hello to your new offspring.  It’s called the Entertainment Business. You may have heard of it.

I know what you’re thinking–“I’m in Show Biz?  Well, slap my back and call me Nancy.” Or something like that. Entertainment is a vital part of every business, with the possible exception of funeral homes and cemetery plot sales. Why is it so important?  Because 1) you need to differentiate yourself from the rest of the herd, and 2) you need to attract customers/visitors. You need to get noticed. If there’s ever been an industry that’s more “Look at me! Look at me!” than the entertainment industry, I don’t know what it is.

So how do you get people’s attention with entertainment?  Perform stand-up comedy in your store? Show video of yourself doing that clicking-spoons-on-your-knee thing? Have a “Do-It-Yourself Tattoo Day”? Depends. It may not be right for Richard Branson, but it might be right for you.

The important thing is to have fun! When you have fun and your employees have fun, your customers/visitors have fun, making their visit to your store/website an enjoyable–and memorable–experience.  

They’ll want to come back.

MarilynMonroeIf you own a brick and mortar biz,

  • have “Dead Celebrity Day.” You, your employees and your customers can dress up as your favorite dead celebrity. Best costume wins a prize, like two-day-old store-bought salad in bags.
  • have Karaoke Day. Hand out ear plugs.
  • put signs randomly around your store: “Guys–when getting a prostate exam, ask your doctor, ‘So how’d you practice doing this?'” “You are under heavy surveillance. BTW, we didn’t know you could pierce that part of the body.”
  • Hand out bumper stickers: “(the name of your eatery) …rated better than prison food.”

For your website,

  • PurpleSunriseadd some COLOR to your website. Shake up those muted, template-generated earth tones. Throw in some bold, brash colors that catch the eye.
  • get RSS feeds of jokes, animal photos, hot cars, weird stuff, etc.
  • post photos and have people caption them (make sure the photos are being used legally), or take some video and have people write the narration.
  • liven up your bland content and make it fun to read.

Entertainment

 

You get the idea.

By entertaining your customers/visitors, you break that serious or mindless focus and put a smile on their faces. Happy customers/visitors, happy employees, happy owner. What a concept!

 

 

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